Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So I decide to put the bills back on the table & take out the garbage first..
But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm.

I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold..
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye..

They need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote
someone had left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs.

But first I’ll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers.
Quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn’t washed
the bills aren’t paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don’t have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail…..

Do you like him any better now ?
No? Then you’re not a racist.

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the
beaches
in Montego Bay, Jamaica .

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
People would say, ‘What a peaceful & loving couple’

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
long and happy marriage.

TheHusband replied: ‘Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in
America ,’explained the man.

‘We visited the Grand Canyon,in Arizona , and took
a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse.

We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s horse stumbled
and she almost fell off.

My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’

We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my
wife quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’

We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time
my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse
dead.

I SHOUTED at her, ‘What’s wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the
poor animal like that, are you *%&#@$ crazy!?’

She looked at ME, and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’
And from that moment….. we have lived happily every after.’

up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the
promised land”.

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your
asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land”.

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of
camels, and mortgaged the promised land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds,
etc. so I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck…

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, I  purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.  Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god– with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile.  Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.  His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!  It’s a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster.  Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?  Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.  He said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn’t help being a half an hour late– it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom.  He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine– which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor.  If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps.  I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.  Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun– like a root canal or a hysterectomy.  I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Daughter:  “Hi Mom.  Can I leave the kids with you tonight?”

Jewish Mother: “You’re going out?”

Daughter:  “Yes.”

Jewish Mother: “With whom?”

Daughter:  “With a friend.”

Jewish Mother: “I don’t know why you left your husband.  He is such
a good man.”

Daughter:  “I didn’t leave him.  He left me! ”

Jewish Mother: “You let him leave you, and now you go out with
anybodies and   nobodies.”

Daughter:  “I do not go out with anybody.  Can I bring over the kids? ”

Jewish Mother: “I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.”

Daughter:  “There are lots of things that you did, and I don’t.”

Jewish Mother: “What are you hinting at? ”

Daughter:  “Nothing, I just want to know if I can bring the kids
over tonight.”

Jewish Mother: “You’re going to stay the night with him?  What will your

husband say if he finds out?”

Daughter:  “My EX husband. I don’t think he would be bothered.

From the day he left me, he has probably  never slept alone!”

Jewish Mother: “So you’re going to sleep over at this loser’s place?”

Daughter: “He’s not a loser.”

Jewish Mother: “A man who goes out with a divorced woman with
children is a loser and a parasite.”

Daughter: “I don’t want to argue.  Should I bring over the kids or not? ”

Jewish Mother: “Poor children with such a mother.”

Daughter: “Such a what?”

Jewish Mother: “With no stability.  No wonder your husband left you.”

Daughter: “ENOUGH!!! ”

Jewish Mother “Don’t scream at me.  You probably scream at this loser too! ”

Daughter: “Now you’re worried about the loser? ”

Jewish Mother: “Ah, so you see he’s a loser.  I spotted him immediately.”

Daughter: “Goodbye, mother.”

Jewish Mother: “Wait!  Don’t hang up! When are you bringing them over?

Daughter: “I’m not bringing them over!  I’m not going out!”

Jewish Mother: “If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?”